Reasons for Divorce: What are yours?

What are you reasons for divorce? That is a question that has come up more times in my life than I can count. And, unfortunately, too many people in our culture have to hear it everyday too. Divorce sucks. There is no other way to put it. And I am able to say that with confidence after going through two of them. Yep, TWO divorces….awesome history to admit. Miraculously, those experiences and all of the heartache and stress that came with them have led me to the most amazing place and people. There are millions of reasons for divorce that are just as unique as the couples going through it, but I truly believe that this question can be answered with one explanation, and the same explanation applies to all.

My first (and only) wedding portrait that I dreamed dreamed of!

My Reason for Divorce: Part I

My first marriage lasted less than one year. I married immediately out of college at the ripe age of 22. I was so in love with the idea of love and felt ready to be married and start a family. I remember wanting so badly to have what I “remembered” my parents having……a blissful, perfect marriage with two children and a beautiful home. I was in such a rush to replicate that vision of marriage that I chose to ignore major signs that my fiance’ and I should not be together. After the wedding, the signs that I ignored before getting married began to glare. I enjoyed running early in the mornings, and my husband would stay up until the wee hours of the morning drinking beer. I would go to church to sing on Sundays, and my husband would sleep in half the day. I will never forget asking him one day if he was happy. I was not surprised that his answer was simply “no.” I can only credit God for the next thing that came out of my mouth…… “how would you feel if we were separated for a while?” His response, “like one million pounds has been lifted off my shoulders.” My reason for divorce? I rushed into marriage chasing a false vision of marriage.

The truth is, my belief about my parent’s relationship was a fabrication, a coping mechanism for a child. My mom was tragically killed in a car accident when I was five years old. My five-year-old eyes did not notice anything about my parents but perfection. And, up until going through my first divorce, my perception of my mom and my parents’ relationship had remained unchanged, frozen as when it was ended in my youth. Through my divorce, I began to realize that their marriage was probably spattered with challenges just like mine was, and I wondered if I actually could have inherited some of my “hot-head moments” and stubbornness from mom. I wondered if she was actually as imperfect as I was and if maybe marriage wasn’t meant to be perfect.

My reasons for divorce: Part II

I was divorced for about a year when I met my second husband. I hired him to play drums at one of my gigs and actually couldn’t stand him at first. He was on his phone constantly and seemed like he was too good to be performing with little ol’ me. The more we played together, the more I saw his humor and sweet heart. I fell in love again and my vision resurfaced. We got married and had our sweet little redheaded son, one of the brightest lights in my life!

With a new baby came a lot of adjustments, and a lot of arguments between my husband and I. I began nursing school when my son was 9 months old, a lifelong dream for me, and the stress and tension rose even higher. My ex-husband and I began our divorce when Braedon was 3. It was one of the hardest and most sad times of my life, and on everyone involved, especially my sweet son. I find myself crying just typing that Braedon was only 3 during that time…breaks my heart that I chose to do something that would cause him a lifetime of challenges. My reasons for divorce? This marriage was not the perfect marriage I had envisioned. I believed that I was older and wiser, and had had many realizations about my inaccurate perception of perfection in my parents’ marriage. However, my beliefs were set as a seal on my heart and mind. I was still striving for what I had learned was unrealistic.

God’s reasons for divorce

My best friend had surgery and, as a nurse, of course I forced her to stay at my new little house so I could take care of her. Ashley has been there for me every minute that I have needed someone. She saw me through the ups and downs of the end of my second marriage and is honestly one of the most amazing women I have ever known! In the hours and hours of couch time we had during her recovery, we laughed, we cried, and ate more McDonalds french fries than I care to admit. During one of my venting sessions about my fears surrounding ever getting married again, Ashley got on her computer and started a Match.com account for me. Her theory was that if I just put myself out there, it would make me more confident that there are good guys out there, and one of them could be “the one.” After 2 days of having my profile on the site, I received a message from someone that looked super familiar.

Stephen and I first met when I was performing as a professional singer around the Charlotte area. He and his buddy would pop in to a few of the venues where I performed and he would always say hello and chat for a while. We got married (to other people) at about the same time and had babies two weeks apart (our kids actually had the same due date, but my stepson was 2 weeks premature). I remember watching from the stage and being amazed by how Stephen could light up a room when he walked in. He was such a warm person and you could tell he just filled everyone’s bucket that he talked to. The last time I remember seeing him before we reconnected was when our kids were 6 months old. He and his wife, along with some friends, came to have dinner at the restaurant where I was performing. We spoke to say hello, and that was it. After Braedon was born and I started nursing school, I said goodbye to being a full-time singer, which meant I didn’t see Stephen…until looking in shock at my computer screen.

His profile seemed fabricated, too perfect. When I knew him, he owned party buses and never once mentioned a medical career. Somehow, his profile was filled with pictures of him in scrubs and paragraphs about his faith in God and his position as a Physicians Assistant. We met for a glass of wine to catch up and it felt like I was talking with a lifelong friend. His profile was actually an accurate representation of this sweet and Christ-filled man. Our first real “date” for dinner, Stephen asked if he could pray for us. From the very beginning, God was the center of our relationship. We had both been through the ringer with divorce in very different ways and it took a lot of faith from both of us to have the courage to move in the direction of marriage again. Has our marriage been perfect? Ummmm…nope. But with Christ as the center of our relationship and family, we are not facing hard times alone. We find the strength to work together with God through the imperfect moments and try our best to love each other like Jesus would.

Does God have reasons for divorce? In my life, I believe he did. His reasons are these precious people in this beautiful, blended family that Stephen and I have been blessed with. God has known all along where I was headed, despite the decisions I made without including him in my plan. His plan was so much bigger than my own. Despite how you get to where God is taking you, He WILL get you where you are meant to be. Our bumps and bruises along the way have made our little unconventional family the most perfectly imperfect thing in my life! As I have gained experience in the area of marriage (times 3), I have learned that God’s path, although not always apparent, is the one to seek out and follow.

My sweet, blended family on our wedding day, January 3, 2014 at the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colorado.

Tips for processing through your reasons for divorce

• Turn to God, however that shows up for you. Read his word, by a daily devotional, practice prayer through meditation. Find things to do and people to surround yourself that draw you closer to Him.

• Go to church. There is nothing like feeling God’s presence through community, and church is an easy and consistent way to delve into His people.

• Know that you are not alone. Seek out the wisdom and support of those who have been through divorce. It is easy to wall yourself off and feel like noone else understands. Believe me, there are people that do!

• Find a stress-relieving hobby. Sign up for a 5k, start taking a yoga class…..anything to give yourself a break from the ripple of stress that comes with divorce.

• Pour into your children. Whatever their ages, they are going to be fragile and need a lot of love through this process. The love and comfort that you can provide to each other is like no other.

• GIVE YOURSELF GRACE! Do not allow the lies that you have learned about yourself define who you are. Learn from your experiences and know that God has got you.